This week I’ve spent most of my time putting myself in a position for God to change me. Every morning I started the day journaling honest and comprehensive prayers asking God to help me understand what I was feeling and why. I don’t naturally think about my own emotions or feelings very often so this daily practice was helpful to keep me vulnerable before the Lord.
One of my prayers this week was out of Psalm 43.
Send your light and your truth Lord.
Let your light and truth lead me
Let your light and truth bring me to your holy mountain
Let your light and truth bring me to your dwelling place
Then I will come to your altar
to my greatest joy
As I struggled to be honest and allow God to truly shine his light on my soul, a few things emerged I wasn’t expecting.
First, I don’t know that I have really sat down and been honest about how hard the last 2 years have been. I’ve had numerous health issues, been given two incurable diagnoses, had to figure out new daily rhythms to deal with health issues, endured spiritual abuse, had multiple people I’ve prayed for and comforted in their darkest moments leave the church slandering the very place I’ve sacrificed my life for, walked through a stressful extended family incident, had to step away from a ministry I grew and loved, and our best friends walked away. Plus, being the lead pastor’s wife is just plain tough, and a role that’s been hard for me at times. Add Covid into that midst, and this role can feel stifling.
As I forced myself to honestly list all the emotionally hard events that have occurred in the last 24 months, I was shocked. I had never sat down and really listed out the hard parts of life before. I tend to want to just walk through the hard as fast as possible and focus on the good. This week I invited God into those hard moments and continually asked Him to take out the sting of those experiences.
Bring joy to your servant’s life because I appeal to you, Lord. Ps 86:4
Sunday morning, after a week of honest appeals, I felt some relief from God.
There was this moment where I just felt God say Enough. When you have an intense encounter with God, it’s hard to put it into words, but as I stood there and worshiped, I felt lighter. As if God opened my eyes to His power as he removed the burdens and disappointments I have endured.
Yet he knows the way I have taken; when he has tested me, I will emerge as pure gold. Job. 23:8-14
Not that I think all my anger is gone forever. This might be a lifelong journey. But at that moment, I was able to release to God what I had been ignoring and stuffing. The weeks of honesty and vulnerability allowed me to worship differently. For that, I’m thankful.
Goals for this week:
- Continue to pray a Psalms a day. I’m going to start back with Psalms 1 and go through them chronologically.
- Continue to study the book of Matthew. I’m only reading a few verses at a time and really digging in. This week I’ll finish chapter 3-4.
- Daily journaling allowing the Lord the space to speak to my heart. I start and end each day with this exercise.
- Read 2 chapters of “Gentle and Lowly” and allow the heart of Christ to continue to soften my heart. This past week, I didn’t get two chapters read because of the amount of Seminary work I had. This week is my final exam so I will have some time over the weekend to read for fun.
You Might Also Enjoy:
- My Spiritual Journey: dealing with anger
- How to Transform Your Inner Life
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